Walking In The Dark

Working thru this grief is not going to be easy. I know that, and I know that I am not going to be the first person to go through the five stages of the grieving process in world record time. I figure I will just be average, good old average Joe. Always have been always will be.

I never was exceptional at anything. I was maybe above average on one or two things in my life to this point. Jennifer and members of my family might disagree. They would probably say I was exceptional at being grumpy and some of you (that know me) would probably say I am an exceptional orifice of the body. Grudgingly, I might have to agree with them, but other than that I would say I am just average at best. I can live with that and I am comfortable in my own skin. I am who I am.

I know that I am still what I am going to call the "shock" stage instead of the "denial" stage. There is no denying that she is gone and as I have mentioned more than once I will always, take comfort in that. However, I am still in shock at how fast in "relative" terms it happened.

After the biopsy, I knew that we needed to be prepared to be making trips back and forth to St. George, so I wanted to be sure that our car was in good shape to make those trips. We both had been noticing that we were getting more than normal road noise inside the car. I was concerned that we possibly had a wheel bearing that was going out. I scheduled an appointment to have the car checked out at the local Toyota dealership. St. George surprisingly does not have a Lexus dealer. Anyway, we got there, and Jennifer and I were sitting in the waiting room, and she logged onto the hospital portal to see if the results of the biopsy had been posted. They were. That is when our lives took a change for the worse. We saw the diagnosis as Neuroendocrine Carcinoma and a whole bunch of other medical terms/numbers that we did not understand or know. We did not know what all this really meant but we knew it was not Good. Being Industrial Hygienist's and seeing the word Carcinoma we knew it was certainly not good.

I don't think I have mentioned how tough Jennifer was. When she needed to be she was very much Butte Tough. She did not break down crying or whaling. She did tear up but she took a deep breath, and she went and called the gastrointestinal doctor's office. Of course, she could not get the doctor on the phone. She talked to his office and told them that she had seen the results of the biopsy on the hospital's portal and what it said and that she needed the Dr to call her and let her know what all of this meant. I was doing my best to reassure her that we would fight it together and that things would be OK. She was having pain, but she soldiered on. Of course, we were stuck. Our car was inside the shop with the wheels off being diagnosed. We unfortunately could not just get up and leave. Anyway, the problem with the car was the tires. So as soon as it was done, we got the hell out of there and headed home. At about 8:30 the Dr called and told us that yes it was cancer, but he was cautiously optimistic that she could be treated. Of course, he made sure we understood that he was not an oncologist, but he was going to refer us to one. He said talked to the Oncologist and to call his office and get an appointment with him. We did but that, but there is more to that story and I will be honest I just don't feel like discussing that right now. I just wanted everyone to know that Jennifer was one tough cookie when she needed or wanted to be. Not many people could have taken the news she got in the waiting room of a Car dealership with the grace and fortitude that she did.

Well you know they say troubles come in groups of three. I am hoping that I just got the third in my list of troubles. Because I sure can do without any more troubles. This morning I went out to the garage and our water heater was leaking. At the moment I am without water in the house. The only silver lining in all of this is that I was miraculously able to get ahold of the warranty guy on the phone and he is working the issue. He just called and said that the plumbers are supposed to come today, he was first telling me tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed. This is all related to the high water pressure problem that caused the water softener issue that preceded Jennifer's passing. So please Lord let this be the last one for a bit.

For those that are keeping count. Trouble 1: Water Softener blows up. Trouble 2: Wife passes away. Trouble 3: Water Heater craps out. Fortunately, the great Texas snowstorm of 2021 gave me the skills I need to cope without water, and I have the Rec Center here to go and shower. I have access to water for toilet etc. I will survive just fine, but damn it!

I have digressed enough, when I sat down and started my daily therapy I was writing about grief and then I digressed and the above happened.

I was blessed yesterday to get a visit from a couple that I just recently met. Miriam and Dick Keener. I met Miriam when she came to our rotary club meeting. She has joined our club and is an outstanding addition to our club. Miriam and Dick are in the process of moving into Sun City and will hopefully close on their home shortly. Miriam and Dick both lost spouses before they found each other. They simply are just damn good salt of the earth people.

Anyway, after our Rotary meeting this week. Miriam and Dick stopped by the house and brought me a beautiful card and more importantly a book that they both used to help cope with their grief of losing their spouses. The book is "Healing After Loss" daily meditations for working through grief by Martha W. Hickman. Dick had mentioned when they dropped off the book that he would read it and it was amazing how things matched up with what he was feeling or dealing with at the time.

I had to run some errands after they left, but when I got back home, I sat down and read the quote for August 17. It really resonated with me. I then got up this morning and I read the August 18 meditation. Todays meditation was as follows:

If God is, He is everywhere present. He is not an occasional visitor, nor ever more truely present than at this very instant. He is always ready to flow into our heart; indeed. He is there now - it is we who are absent - Arthur Foote

Can we believe that God is present to us in our sorrow? Is with us, as close companion? And wants to be known to us, and wants our peace? And holds our loved one in tender care?

Maybe such a journey of faith is a bit like walking toward home in the dark. There is no light to see by, but we grope our way in this familiar yet unfamiliar world, turning where we know the road turns, moving toward what we know must be there. Though we can't see ahead, the ground beneath our feet feels right, and as we approach a door that surely must be there, someone inside, someone we love, turns on the light to welcome us home.

As I have said before Jennifer and I have strong faith in God and I do know he holds her in tender care. I know this because he came and took her so she did not have to suffer anymore. I will always be thankful to him for that.

However, this grief journey really is like walking in the dark. I will grope away, but I know she and the Lord are there with me. I know they will challenge and test me (see water heater discussion above) but I know she will turn on the light, open the door and welcome me in when it is my time.

FYI- just to be clear I hope that time is not for a good long while, (I don't want anyone worrying that I am in a self-harming state of mind - I am not.)

Anyway, thank you Miriam and Dick for sharing this book with me. If anyone reading this is dealing with grief, I would recommend it.

I had to share one more thing before I call it good for therapy today. At our rotary meeting I had mentioned that I appreciated the love and support and meals that people were bringing me. Miriam mentioned after the death of her spouse she was attending a bereavement support group and there was this gentleman in the group that had been attending the group for 10 years. She came to found out that this gentleman lived in a trailer park and the ladies in the trailer park were bringing him meals as long as he was grieving so he was attending the meetings so that the meals would keep coming.

I certainly do not intend to do anything like that. However, but I will graciously accept the meals at least until my water situation gets resolved. It's a bitch trying to cook and clean with limited/no water.