Strong Flashbacks And Survivors Guilt!

The past couple of weeks I have had some pretty strong flashbacks to the day that Jennifer passed and also episodes of survivors guilt. There is no rhyme or reason when these what I will call “flashback episodes” occur.

I had one in the shower yesterday that was particularly strong and it did cause me to get a little shooked and teared up. I see her face and especially her eyes and how they were vacant and had the life had drained from them as I was doing CPR on her. I know that moment is permanently etched into my brain for the rest of my life and is probably a form of PTSD. All I can say it sucks reliving it and second guessing myself.

The survivor guilt also sucks. On St Patrick’s day, I had a pretty strong episode of that after everyone went home for the evening. She would have so enjoyed the evening, especially since Elaine and Jim came out for the party. I just felt so sad and disappointed and almost was mad at myself because I enjoyed the party. During the party there was a couple of times that I could hear her voice and laugh in my head. I so much miss that.

When your loved ones are alive, there are probably times that you wish they were dead, because they piss you off or you disagree with them or whatever. However, when they actually do pass and you no longer have them there is nothing more in the world that you want than to have them back.

I started watching the new series, “The Madison” this week. The story line is based around the Madison river in Montana. Of course that is not far from Butte. So seeing the scenery is nice. The story is not what I was expecting and some of it has been tough for me to watch, because it revolves around a death. However, it is pretty good. Jennifer liked Kurt Russell as a actor. She enjoyed all his Disney films when he was a young man, but also like his Escape from New York character “Snake Plisskin”. I don’t know if she would have liked the series though. She was more of a “Castle” fan, she really liked the early episodes of that show. She was not a fan of the late episodes but she still would watch them.

Well, enough for today, I should work on something productive, like arranging my tax payment to the IRS. My accountant sent me my prepared taxes late last week. So need to get that done so old Chettolini can fund his military action in Iran.