Triggers

Time for what's appearing to be becoming my daily 3:00 am Therapy session.

I have been experiencing triggers and from talking with others who have been traveling this new road I find myself on, I better get used to it.

Now not all of the triggers are bad. Sure there are some that turn me into a blubbering mess, but there are others that make me smile, or some that just give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I guess triggers are like those jars of mixed flavored jelly bellies. Sometimes you get one that you really like, sometimes you get one you can tolerate and then sometimes you get one that you just spit out (or at least I do) because it tastes like crap (especially if its a black licorice flavored one).

Last night our friends Margot and Alan had invited me up to their house for dinner (thank you guys). After a lovely dinner we were playing cards and they had 1980's music playing in the back ground and a Prince song from his Purple Rain album came on and I just got a warm and fuzzy feeling. She really like his Purple Rain album. If a song from that album came on when we were in the car or at the house there would be some "singing along" going on.

Prince was to me what Bruce Springsteen was to her. While I always viewed him as a extremely talented musician it was not my favorite music. Also I just found him so bizarre with all the name changes and stuff. Well when that song came on last night I just got a warm and fuzzy feeling inside of me.

Other triggers are liking that old orange mecurochrome stuff your mom would put on a cut when we were kids. It hurts like hell and the tears begin flowing. For Jennifer's memorial services I had a picture of Jennifer blown up and put on a canvas. This will be displayed near her urn. When it arrived at the house I was both anxious and excited to get it out of the packaging and look at it. Now it's not like this is the first time I have seen the picture. I have been looking at this picture for almost a couple of weeks (it is exactly 2 weeks today since she passed) and I had already cried a few time over it, it is a photo that just captures her to a "T". So I get it unpacked and I take a look at it and just starting balling like a baby. I mean it really almost brought me to my knees. I just wanted her back with me. But that's just not meant to be.

So I hope that I have more of the warm and fuzzy triggers than the ones that bring me to my but I guess I better get used to dealing with all of them. So if you run into me and tears are running down my face, know that I am just having thoughts about her.

Also, The photo turned out great. Thanks again Michael.