Time Got Away From Me

I just realized have not written anything for almost eight days. I will be honest, I have been pretty busy with various activities. I find that it is best to try and keep busy, because when I am not busy I get pretty melancholy.

I still struggle at times grasping that she is truly gone and as I have mentioned I do have for the lack of a better descriptor “survivors guilt”. We both worked hard to reach the point we had and why should I get to enjoy the fruits of that labor when she did not. It certainly is not fair!

I know that she was very disappointed when we got the word that her condition was terminal. I think she felt betrayed to a certain degree. She was kind hearted and did try and take care of herself (much more than I did). Her brother Dave’s death really shook her and she worked hard to make sure her blood pressure was controlled. She was a much better person than me and to be honest deserved to be living instead of watching the planes land in Butte.

Anyway, I often find myself feeling guilty when I have a good time or do something that I just know she we would have enjoyed.

I have had fair bit of time in the car, the past few weeks and I always expect to look over and see her in the passenger seat. I think I have mentioned that she often would be sleeping but I still would find comfort knowing she was there. I never really appreciated how much that meant to me until she was no longer sitting there. When she was awake, we would have some good conversations and talk about trips we wanted to take or places we wanted to go.

Looking back I wish our cars would have had bench seats, because if they did she would snuggle up next to me. The summer we got married we went to our friends Garret and Tammie McFarlands wedding in Winifred, MT. There wedding was about a month before ours. We went in my old dodge pickup truck that I had at the time. That truck had a bench seat. She snuggled up next to me the whole trip. On the trip over we talked about our upcoming wedding and what we hoped was going to play out after we got married. On the trip home we talked about Garret and Tammie’s wedding and the fun we had and hoped that our wedding was as fun as theirs.

In regard to trips, Jennifer wanted to go to Big Sur in California. We were planning to maybe do a trip that way when we got home from Montana the summer she passed. I will make that trip at some point, maybe this fall when I get back from MT. I am not totally sure why she wanted to make that trip but she did. She probably read about it I one of her romance books.

This week I have been doing all my doctoring and I am getting ready to head to Montana at the end of May. Our highschool class is having a class reunion this summer. This will be our 40th year since we graduated. This year we are doing a joint reunion with the other high school in Butte. I am both looking forward to it, but also dreading it at the same time. I am dreading it because she won’t be with me. We were blessed to share so many things in our lives and one was both being in the same class in high school. We had lots of friends where the spouses had to attend reunions where they did not know anyone. We did not have that problem and we always enjoyed catching up with classmates we had not seen in years.

This time I will not have that luxury and it breaks my heart. However, I still will do my best to have a good time.

Well enough of my feeling sorry for myself. I better hit the hay.