Lots of Firsts and Lasts

As I am dealing with Jennifer's being gone . I am realizing more and more that I have a lot of firsts and lasts in front of me.

Last night I attended my first neighborhood party without her. I will be honest, it felt weird, it was a nice event, but I just felt weird without her there with me. However, I do know that she would want me to go to events like this so I will regardless of how weird it feels.

There is also a lot of lasts in front me. The last bag of her chips, the last of her candy, etc, etc. For some reason the lasts really don't bother me, the firsts however are tougher. They hurt a lot more especially if it was something she would enjoy.

I went to lunch and bowling for the first time without her the other day with our friends Margot and Allen and Dorothy and Andy. It was a very fun outing and I so much appreciate them inviting/inlcuding me. I bowled terrible (but that is nothing new), It just felt wierd not having her there with us. She would of had so much fun. Several times while bowling I had visions in my head of her yucking it up and trash talking. After we were done she would have tried to sooth me about my poor performance.

Today I played my first round of golf since she passed. It wasn't pretty, but as always I hit a couple of shots that will make me go back. However,the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was to tell her about the round. The stuff she would want to know. How busy the course was or wasn't. (We were the first off so did not really notice how busy it was). How the weather was (cool to start, but warm when we finished). Who did I play with, etc, etc. Since I was done playing before noon. We would have probably went out for lunch and then would get ready for Bocce this evening.

Anyway, I know I have a lot of weird feeling moments in front of me. I will do my best to deal with them head on. However, it sure does make me sad, but I still take solace and comfort in knowing she is in a better place free of pain and that she loved me as much as I loved her.

Well enough for today. I need to get productive since I have been playing all day and plan on going to Bocce this evening.